I’ve been somewhat shut in these last few weeks. Not in a physical sense, I still visit the outside world quite regularly, but I feel as though I have shut in an aspect that speaks so purely to our human experience: the honesty. The fire that warms our souls and bestows upon us, each, with a unique glow, burning uncontrollably with spontaneously evolving intensities. An honesty which we have convinced ourselves, that in order to be decent, and functional, we need to manage for the courtesy of others. At times, it feels like trying to rein in a runaway steed. But eventually we’ll grow tired of the charade and when we let go, there’s a chance we will realize something about ourselves. The runaway is only ourselves, a runaway soul – our souls running freely, burning – exploding in a brilliant dance of happenstance, asking nothing of itself as it simply does as it naturally is.
But I have neglected my runaway soul, in favor of adapting to a new (temporary) working schedule. I made a conscious movement to fill the role that was presented to me, freely, with the intention of prioritizing the crystallization of what’s truly going on behind my eyes, and allow it to flow freely in the coded language of my creativity, while I served a purpose for someone else’s need for resources (myself). I was irresponsible with the balance I was looking for, as I always am, as this vessel seemingly attracted to the contentious relationship between who I am and what I am doing in the face of fleeting time, and now I see the balance tip in such a way that I was compelled to, urgently, rush to the scale and try to manage a strange moment in time which may have never meant for me to begin with… But in order to do that, I have left my honesty tied to some stake planted in a theoretical future where I would pickup where I left off.
I didn’t realize what effect that, even slight, change could have on me despite having wallowed in that kind of daily routine, for years. But I find myself struggling to visualize my thoughts with this foreign responsibility sitting at the front of my brain. I had to separate myself from my environment, one that is so laden with noise. Visual noise, audible noise, mental noise… Just noise everywhere.
But when I am able to take a step back, and have an observational overview of this confusing landscape of the modern consumer, I can see that there’s no place in that minefield for me. It demands that we forfeit some of our potential in exchange for a few moments of fantasy. I am not ready to hand over Time so easily.